What if…..?

 

In 1988, The Living Years by Mike and the Mechanics was released. My mom loved this song, so, my father being a good husband, used to play it, a lot. We had no idea that she was knowingly or unknowingly preparing us for her passing.

When she did pass in 1993, my father wore it out, to the point that I now know it by heart.

You can click the hyperlink above and listen, but the synopsis is, be with those you love now, while they are here, because you never know when they’ll be gone and you didn’t get to say all you had to say.
Speaking of things left unsaid, 20 years later, Say by John Mayer was released, echoing a similar sentiment; don’t wait till it’s too late.

I know we’ve all heard this before and we each in our own way, resolve to be better and do better on every occasion; however, if we’re lucky, that resolve lasts 2 months, tops. Most only last a few weeks.
We blame life; work, school, bills, kids, our bosses, any and everything except the real problem. Us.

We’re the ones to blame; we’re the ones who actively, not passively, choose not to. Not to visit, not to call, not to write, to not check in.

Then when the inevitable happens, and by it’s very definition, it will happen, we start with the “what ifs”.

What if I had called, maybe she wouldn’t have gotten into that car that crashed.
What if I had written, maybe he wouldn’t have taken his own life.
What if I had visited, maybe I would have seen how much they were struggling, maybe I could’ve helped. What if and maybe, two of the harshest words in the English language, when used as a balm for grief.

Truth is, 99% of the time, you wouldn’t have changed a thing, except how you felt about You.
How often You visited. How often You wrote. How often You checked in. Because in the end, when they’re gone, that’s what you’re left with, You.

There is no harsher critic of ourselves, than ourselves.

So, though I’ve mentioned the title of this admonition several times “What if”, that’s not the what if I want to highlight today.
The “What if” I’m discussing, goes to the aftermath of tragedy, the stages of grief, namely, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
Each person dwells on different stages, for different times and, for different reasons. Sometimes out of comfort, sometimes as punishment and sometimes as an excuse not to move on.
Whatever the reason we dwell, I’d like to pose a theoretical question.

What if the time we were allowed to grieve, was directly proportional to the time we made to spend with our loved ones.

Let me explain; we are born, we hopefully live with our parents and siblings, we meet our grandparents and visit them every chance we get.
All this occurs when we’re children, we have not been impacted by “life” yet. We don’t have bills, or bosses, or social lives, yet. Every thing is taken care of by the “adults” in our lives.
In the scenario I’m proposing, this time doesn’t count, because the choice isn’t hard, yet.
The time I’m discussing is when you’re on your own, working, partying; living.

There are 86,400 seconds in a day; in everyone’s day, and each day you have to decide how to use them.
How much for sleep, breakfast, work, school, fun, whatever. During these 86,400 seconds, you choose how much is spent checking in; checking in with your BFF from high school, your mother who lives alone in another country because your father passed away, and the last time you saw her was the first Christmas without him, and it was horrible.
You know that if you call her, you’re going to feel her pain through the phone and that’s just going to reawaken yours, and you’ve got that presentation tomorrow for your arsehole boss, so, you put off calling her, again.

Let’s do some quick math, don’t worry, it won’t be complicated.
Say you’ve resolved to visiting mom twice a year, on her birthday and at Christmas. You spend a total of 2 days for each trip. Otherwise, you call her every weekend and talk for 30 minutes.

Here’s the math; 30 minutes every week times 52 weeks a year equates to 1 day and 2 hours a year. Add to that, the four days of visits on those “special” occasions. That’s basically five days a year.
If your mom lives another 5 years; that’s 25 days. That’s the number I want you to think about when imagining the stages of grief.
When you’ve lost your loved one, you have less than the shortest calendar month to complete your grieving, whether in public or private.

Do you think that’s enough time?

Stephen Colbert of the Late Show, interviewed British actor Andrew Garfield and during the interview he was asked about the passing of his mother. He gave the best response that I’ve ever heard about grief.
He said, all the grief you feel after a loved one has passed, is every ounce of unexpressed love you didn’t get the chance to give while they were alive.

Thinking about that, do you believe you could sum up all the love you had for someone in just a month? I know I couldn’t. I’m still expressing love over thirty years later for my mom, and dad still has a lot more to get as his has not reached a decade yet.

So, my question is theoretical, but I hope it resonates enough for us to revisit our excuses and actually pick up the phone, or jump in the car or get on that aeroplane, and pay a visit to that person that we “Say” we love so much, but neglect to show them in “The Living Years”.

Thanks for indulging my ramblings. If you enjoyed my deliberations, be sure to check out my thriller novels The Martial Art and On Jamaica Government Service on my website, www.daneandrew.net and various platforms . They’re available in eBook, Paperback and Hardcover.

However, if you’re having commitment issues, check out my FREE short story, The Martial Art Origins: Severance, available as a free download.

Keep Reading. Cheers.

Dane