Selfish People Lack Empathy

 

Empathy is not to be confused with sympathy, Sympathy is situational, and like all situations, its temporary.

Empathy on the other hand, is a state of mind, a state of being. It’s about thinking of more than yourself, hence the reason selfish people are lacking.

“I’m sorry for your loss.”

This is a Sympathetic statement.

If you watch as much TV shows and movies as me, you’ve heard this phrase over and over again. Every time someone dies and the cops show up for the death notification and interview, this is the follow-up statement to the initial advisory.
It’s so common, so blah, so… vanilla. It’s a deflection, a “cop-out” really. You’ve said something, so you’ve done what’s required. Even if it’s genuine, people tire of hearing the same thing.

“I know this must be a difficult time for you, but if there’s anything I can do to help, just let me know.”

This is an Empathetic statement.

Do you see the difference? These words have weight and meaning, they offer condolence but also help. Even if you’ve never experienced what they have, you are not without imagination, therefore, you should be able to put yourself in their shoes, if only for a moment, just to realise the tremendous trauma they are experiencing.

I’ve highlighted these key differences deliberately, to emphasise the nature of the selfish. Because the sad reality is, most selfish people are blissfully unaware that they are selfish.
These are the most difficult to deal with.

Of course, there are people who are just arseholes and are just selfish by choice, but they don’t hide it, so, you know exactly what to expect. I prefer these people. If I don’t feel like I can deal with their particular brand of disgusting today, I just do my best to avoid them.

The ignorant selfish; these are the problem.

Throughout history, almost every tyrannical ruler, every perpetrator of genocide, every morally corrupt leader, conqueror and despot had one thing in common; they thought their way was just and righteous. None of them woke each morning and said, ‘You know, maybe I’m wrong.’

Nope. Some of them even believed they were ordained by God to enact these atrocities.

But I digress. The point is, they don’t know.

I have not always been empathetic. As a young man, I was always focused on the “I” of any situation. How can “I” get that item? How do “I” get that girl to notice me? How can “I” get my parents to let me go to that party?

However, some things happen in life that force you to reassess your ways and values; tragedy being a particularly powerful one.

As I’ve gotten older, something has become clearer to me and that is:

The joy of giving lasts a lot longer than the joy of receiving.

And that’s what empathy is all about; giving to others at the expense of yourself.

You offer someone a ride because you know they are having a difficult time getting there on their own, even though it’s in the opposite direction from your destination.

You sit with someone in silence to offer comfort, knowing you’re going to be late someplace else, but that was for you, this is for them.

As I said, empathy wasn’t natural for me, it was learnt. This means it can be taught, but only if the person is willing to learn, if they’re not, then your effort is futile.

Imagine this scenario:

Wayne borrows John’s car for the day, when it is returned, it’s clean, inside and out and has a full tank of gas. It’s even been returned hours earlier than agreed.
John is very pleased and thanks Wayne.

Now, a few months later, John happens to borrow Wayne’s car, with basically the same conditions; to be returned the following day. Three days go by before Wayne decides to call and find out what’s going on. The conversation goes something like this:

“Oh, hi Wayne, sorry I didn’t call. Got caught up. I had to stay a little longer, but I’ll be back early tomorrow morning.”
“Okay.” Says Wayne, because these things happen, right?

When tomorrow ‘night’ comes, Wayne’s vehicle is returned, and even in the pale light of the streetlamp, he sees the following,
The car is dirty (inside and out)
There’s a scratch on the front fender
The doughnut tyre is on the front driver’s side.

“What happened?” is all Wayne could calmly muster.
“Oh, a car swung out of nowhere and I had to climb an embankment. That’s how the tyre burst, and the fender got scratched. But that can be compounded, and I’ll pay whatever it costs to get the tyre fixed.”

Wayne remains silent because he remembers what his mother told him about not having anything good to say. Wayne takes the keys and John leaves in a waiting car.
While parking the car Wayne notices a yellow light on the dashboard; the car is on “E”.

Wayne is not silent anymore, but now there’s no one there to hear all his colourful language.

In both responses received from John, you detect the complete lack of concern about the consequences his actions have created.

In the first conversation, the flippant apology, followed by the admittance of the breaking of the agreement, four days instead of one, with no real remorse, just a take it or leave it attitude.

In the second conversation, John said, ‘but that can be compounded out’ not, ‘I’ll get it compounded’ and ‘I’ll pay whatever it costs to get the tyre fixed’ not, ‘I’ll get it fixed.’ Also, there is no mention of the state of the car, which was clean when it left four days ago.
There is no consideration of the time it is going to cost Wayne to have these things done that are no fault of his own, except that he loaned his car to John.

The empathetic Wayne had an expectation that he would receive the same consideration as he had imparted to his friend.

This is the additional burden empathetic people must live with, managing expectations. The ignorant selfish don’t think like you do, so you must carefully manage your peace when interacting with them. You sometimes must expect the worse to avoid disappointment.

You can only show them the path; they are the ones who must walk it. If you keep expecting them to relate to you in the same way you relate to them, you’re in danger of transforming yourself from empathetic to just plain pathetic. This in turn might make you start considering the benefits of being selfish.

Don’t do that. Keep being you. Keep being good.

Later.

 

 

Thanks for indulging my ramblings. If you enjoyed my deliberations, be sure to check out my thriller novels The Martial Art and On Jamaica Government Service on various platforms. They’re available in eBook, Paperback and Hardcover, and Audiobooks coming soon.

However, if you’re having commitment issues, check out my FREE short story, The Martial Art Origins: Severance, available as a free download.

You can explore my site for more interesting content.

Keep Reading. Cheers.

Dane